rushingwind: Elizabeth Overlooking Atlantis (Default)
rushingwind ([personal profile] rushingwind) wrote2007-11-10 04:05 am
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Excerpt from my NaNoWriMo WIP...

A (very) short little excerpt from my NaNo Novel. For the most part it is unedited and made of fail. This particular scene is set during SG1 Season 9 episode "Origin."


The first time Ayiana hears the word “Ori”, a shiver meanders down her spine and she recoils in disgust, and she has no idea why. She carefully regards the Prior that Colonel Mitchell has brought to Earth, squints warily at him because there’s something so very familiar in how he looks and what he says, and judging from the churning of her stomach she surmises that isn’t a good thing.

The Prior stares at her a long moment, his gaze subtely sinister, and she can almost hear him say ‘I know what you are Alterian Demon, you’ll burn burn burn.’ It echoes over and over in her mind until she feels nauseous, and bolts from the room, a cold sweat racking her entire body.

She hunches over the back of a chair, breathless, sick, and unbelievably confused. Just when she thinks she might need to sit down, there's a familiar hand on her shoulder, a warm presence behind her that soothes her frayed nerves.

"Are you all right?" Jonas asks her, and while is voice is carefully even, it's soft enough to give away his concern.

No, she thinks, but she doesn't want to worry him, or anyone else, and nods anyway.

"You want to sit down?" he persists. "A glass of water?"

She shakes her head, but sits down anyway, a trembling hand grasping a nearby table. How could such a brief encounter unsettle her so deeply?

She looks up at Jonas slowly, and his face is a mask of concern. She'd love to explain herself, and tell him that having a Prior on Earth is a very bad idea, but she doesn't remember why. When she thinks of the Ori, she thinks of darkness, and ignorance, incompetence, we left them far behind us long ago, and it makes absolutely no sense to her.

"Ayiana...?" Jonas sits down beside her, his hand closing over hers. "Do you...need to see Doctor Lam?"

The world is still spinning around her, her body racked by chills, so she thinks going to the infirmary is probably not a bad idea.

So, is it good? Bad? Does it make you want to read more or run away screaming in the other direction?
napalm_isis: (ShipGate)

[personal profile] napalm_isis 2007-11-10 10:23 am (UTC)(link)
0o0o nice job so far!

[identity profile] 2007-11-10 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! :)

[identity profile] 2007-11-10 10:24 am (UTC)(link)
it makes me go more, now and do what my youngest has been doing the past TWO HOURS cos I said no and mean it. My own novel is sat there open but can't think with a hissy fit in the background so am procrastinating on my flist.

[identity profile] 2007-11-10 09:56 pm (UTC)(link)
I procrastinate on my f-list too. A lot. :)

And thank you! :)
havocthecat: the lady of shalott (Default)

[personal profile] havocthecat 2007-11-10 01:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Dude. You so need to post more of this!

[identity profile] 2007-11-10 09:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks! :) I almost didn't post this part, cause I was all like "it's no good..." *le sigh*.

Thank you, though! :)

[identity profile] 2007-11-11 04:51 am (UTC)(link)
"For the most part it is unedited and made of lose."

Now, now, are we going to have to have another little talk? Stop selling yourself short. First of all, its remarkably clean for a nano entry...have you locked your inner editor in a box like the creator of nano advises?

I'm just teasing...I think it's great. Full of foreboding, and what happens next???

[identity profile] 2007-11-11 08:15 am (UTC)(link)

Thank you. That means a lot, really. :) And as for locking the inner editor in a box, well...sometimes she's in the box and sometimes she breaks loose. 'Tis difficult to keep her under control, but I must try harder, heh. :)

What happens next? Why, stuff happens. Lots of stuff. :) I might post another little snip of it in a day or two.

Thank you again. :)